Dear Ian, No jetski for you this year!!!

A copy of a letter from Santa to my Brother in Law, December 2008

Dear Ian....

Called in on JayJinx today, she asked me to drop you a line to explain why there won't be a jet ski in your Christmas stocking this year.

 Courtesy of David Blackwell  cc

Truth is, I am strapped for cash, aside from the GFC and all of the usual Christmas expense, I had to fund Rudolph joining a gym, he has been overdoing the mince pies! 

Then there is Mrs Santa!! What a woman!

She wants to move house! Got a bit of a bee in her bonnet, about "moving somewhere warmer". Can you believe it? After all these years, she has suddenly decided she has had enough snow. An age thing probably, a bit wobbly on her feet and starting the feel the cold more than once upon a time.

I made her a new pair of slippers – one of our reindeer passed on in September and while we thought about a new rug in front of the fire, Mrs S. came first!

The elves aren't happy (surprise!), they don't think they will look good in swimwear, they are also quite fond of their little hats and don't feel they will be suited to a hot climate. Of course, they are all worried about the cost of relocating!

cc by Christmas Stock Images

They have started dropping hints about a pay rise!!!!  Making snide little comments about inflation and things like "OMG have you seen the price of a pair of sunnies?" They haven't had a pay rise since 1933, so perhaps a 1% increase isn't out of the question.

And the price of the removals! Can you imagine how much it is going to cost to shift the entire toy factory? The cost of real estate doesn't bear thinking about! Land here at the North Pole is "cost effective", after all, who wants to live here? Everywhere else you look, prices are through the roof! (Ouch, shouldn't have mentioned rooves!! Had a bit of a nasty landing earlier this week) I can't see how we will be able to shift this place quickly! We'll be lucky to get the asking price!

Anyway, I can hear you ask, what has this got to do with my jet ski? How about everything?

Jet ski's don't come cheap! Don't think we didn't try, even held an emergency summit with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny to talk it through. We had a couple of choices, either buy you a jet ski and deny thousands of little children that special moment on Christmas morning, or don't buy you a jet ski and proceed with the order of cinders. Rudolph (as always) stuck his big red nose in. He voted for the jet ski but then he hates doing the cinder run!

The Easter Bunny was in favour too, but he just wanted to test drive a few, typical, I find him a little selfish and … huh … LAZZZZZY!  You just wouldn't believe it! He thinks making a few chocolate eggs each year means he can sit back on his fluffy bobble tail for the rest of the time. He has no idea! He should try doing Christmas sometime!! A job swap would soon sort him.

Sorry! I shouldn't burden you with my problems. Stressed! Time of the year!! Washed the old red suit this morning and it has shrunk! Of course Mrs S hinted I had overdone the Christmas pud one too many times, but I am sticking with "its shrunk". Might have to go with the blue one instead, been dying to try it for years, really fancy something a bit different – for a change! Red is just so "retro" these days …

The Tooth Fairy was passionately against the jet ski!  I don't know what you have done to upset her, but she said you would only get one over her dead body!!  (As she wouldn't be much use dead (couldn't even knit a finger mitt), we would prefer to keep her happy).  She has had an expensive year too; apparently the price for teeth has sky rocketed so she is playing the stress card and making too many rash decisions.  She is even hinting at retiring!  That'll upset a lot of littlies ...

The arguments raged for hours until Mrs S stepped in. She reminded us to ask the "BIG question"! Have you really been a good boy? Well I can tell you, that stopped everybody! No more arguments! Yes! You know what I am talking about don't you? You haven't been totally honest have you? Remember? That little "incident" earlier this year? We'll leave it at that shall we? Let's just say that you will be lucky to find ANYTHING in your Xmas stocking this year!

Well I hope that explains it all for you. I have to dash ... Lots to do!

Have a great Christmas

Father C!

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Santa's elves go on strike!

An emergency fax to my Niece, December 2013

Sophie

Can you please check your newspapers?  I don't know what to make of the news bulletin below, what do you think?  If true, it isn't looking good for Ian's jet bike again this year!

I have been unable to contact Father C, but there is an official press release from Lapland, I suspect it may be a cover up and worse still, the elves are in the frame!! 

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE – LAPLAND 24TH December 2013

cc by Jamie C2009

This morning in Lapland, the elves were revolting.  Several elves, led by known troublemakers, have persuaded many in the elf community to go on strike.  The Father Christmas official Government body does not sanction this strike and orders all elves to return to work immediately, OR ELSE!!!

The elves are claiming that Santa ALWAYS gets the whiskey, the mince pies and that he steals all of the credit for their hard work.  They are claiming he sits around, dishing out orders for 364 days each year, then puts in an appearance on one night and takes all the recognition and credit.

It is believed that many of the elves are above themselves following their successful appearance as extras on the recent Hollywood blockbuster Lord of the Rings, when in fact they only made a very brief appearance as extras in the final scene.

GFDL by überarbeitet von mir

Further trouble is expected from Rudolph, who is concerned about the new brakes that have been installed on the sleigh this year.  As Lead Reindeer, he is concerned that without seat-belts (which are not compulsory for this group of merry men), he may be in serious trouble in the event of an emergency stop.

The Lapland Government is requesting that children volunteer to assist in the final stages of present preparation.  All children wishing to assist should prepare a letter to this Government, explaining why they feel able to do the job and also confirming they are not more than 3 feet 10 inches tall (this is standard Government approved elf height).  Children greater than 3' 10" may also apply explaining how they might fit into a uniform designed to fit a smaller form and may be considered if there is a shortfall in the number of children required.  If we are not successful in meeting the minimal numbers, there is a danger that Christmas will be cancelled this year or at best, all deliveries will arrive on Boxing Day, 26th December.

Children are asked to be asleep early on Christmas Eve to ensure letters can be collected in a timely manner.  Letters should be left under the volunteer's pillow and will only be collected once everybody in the household is asleep.  

Letter collection is being organised by the tooth fairy.

cc by Heather Sunderland

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Santa a Terrorist... Breaking News....

News Update, Christmas 2004, fortunately Santa was released, albeit a little late and all children's parcels delivered safely and on time!!

cc by Oren neu dag

It has been reported that a large gentleman with a white beard and a red suit has been apprehended in the United States.  The gentleman in question, seen driving a sleigh recklessly at high speed, and carrying surveillance equipment, was escorted by two  helicopters to the local airport and later transferred to Guantanamo Bay, where President Bash will take personal responsibility for his interrogation.

A gentleman of similar appearance has recently been identified in the UK as a "hoody" and has repeatedly been asked to leave several shopping malls.  Previously, he was thought to have relocated to the zoo, however this is now known to have been an impostor.

President Bash alleges that the bearded guy does not hold a valid passport and is wanted in approximately 43 counties for a range of offences, including breaking & entering and rooftop tile damage.

Bash claims the geezer with the beard has been known to operate under several aliases, including Santa Claus, St Nicholas and more recently, Father Christmas.

cc by Hermielou Maria

A lawyer for Mr Claus claims that he has been repeatedly abused and threats made against his reindeer.   Photographs backing this claim have unofficially been released, however the only thing identifiable on these photographs is an Aussie Barbecue. 

A large sack of unmarked parcels was also found in Mr Claus possession, he claims that these are to be marked up for children around the world once he has completed his annual surveillance of good and bad kids, presumably hoping this explains away the night vision goggles found in the front seat of his sleigh.

cc by debaird

Observers and analysts believe President Bash's behaviour is directly related to trauma in his own childhood, likely because nobody bought him a teddy bear.

cc by Tom Brogan

An official spokesperson for the Government has stated that they do not believe Mr Claus' claims that he was doing a practice run for Christmas.  The spokesperson went on to state that several pictures of the offender have been widely distributed this year and they are glad to have finally made the capture.

British and Australian Governments are working together to secure the release of Mr Claus in time for Xmas, time is running short though and his release is looking increasingly unlikely.

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Dear Sophie, Santa's lost weight....

A copy of a letter to my niece, December 2002

Dear Sophie

Santa's just popped in, he is looking well, lost a bit of weight!  Much better than last year, don't tell anybody but I had a quiet word with him, he had really let himself go but happy to say, it seems to have done the trick.  He has cut out mince pies, eats Rudolph's carrots instead, and he has cut down on the drinking! He tends to mix his drinks, especially when he does the present run on Christmas Eve.

That has created another problem though! Rather than disappoint all the little children and not eat his mince pies, and drinks his beer, Santa has been passing it on to Rudolph instead!  NOT a good idea! You should see the state of Rudolph, he won't even pose for a photo!  If he did you would have trouble fitting him in the view finder!!  Santa looks slim and healthy but Rudolph is so fat he can barely pull the sleigh.  The snow doesn't help – a very slippy take off from Lapland!  Rudolph's nose is redder and even shinier than ever from all the whiskey and his eyes don't look good!

cc by Walter Baxter

Santa claims flying with Rudolph is a bit like being on a roller coaster this year because Rudolph has drunk too many beers.  I have suggested to Rudolph that he share with the other reindeer but he is a bit naughty and keeps it to himself.  It was funny watching him take off from here, he nearly landed in next door's tree!  That'd be trouble!

Santa's face was a picture…

You will definitely hear him land when he arrives on Christmas Eve - listen carefully, he is bigger than an elephant!  You had best check in the morning to make sure he managed to take off OK and that Santa didn't leave him behind.

I told Santa that you are going to midnight mass so he will deliver your presents last. He doesn't finish until after 4 in the morning so thinks you should be home in bed asleep by then. He said if you aren't asleep when he arrives, he will pass by and give you double next year, assuming you are a good girl between now and then of course!

Lots of love

Aunty Jay

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Dear Sophie, Santa's lost his naughty children list...

Dear Sophie

Father Christmas just dropped by to ask me to contact you, he is too embarrassed to tell you himself.  He was very red faced, can you believe, he has LOST his "naughty children list"!  

Can please write him a letter and remind him of all of the times you have been naughty this year.  He remembers you being cheeky to Mummy at least once, in June and he is sure there is more, but he just can't remember.  

He did say that if you write and claim you have been good, Mummy, Daddy AND Grandma will all need to sign the letter too so he knows it is true and accurate.

cc by Michael Coté

Santa will be watching extra carefully over the next few says, while he decides which children will get their presents this year.

Please write quickly, he needs an answer by tomorrow night!!!!

Lots of love

Aunty Jayjinx.com

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